How come you feel so good about yourself at work, but when you go home things are not so great? You and your spouse don't have time for each other and your marriage has lost its spark.
Throw in activities and everyday life and the kids ... and it's hard to remember how it used to be. Back when you used to enjoy the simple pleasure of just being with each other.
Esther Perel, (TedTalk speaker, and author of "Mating in Captivity," and "The State of Affairs: Rethinking Infidelity") talks about what keeps a marriage feeling alive. She has spent her career as a therapist with modern couples and writes and speaks on the topic of marriage, and specifically about the fairly recent requirement that our spouse be absolutely everything to us: our soulmate, our best friend, our companion, our confidante, the father/mother of our children, our coach and therapist, our hiking buddy, our... everything.
But great marriages happen when people don't fall into the habit of thinking they know everything there is to know about their partner. Or taking each other for granted. Or thinking that their spouse belongs to them.
It's healthier and essential - and more alive feeling - when we learn to honor other people as being never fully knowable to us. Even our spouse. By nurturing a sense of curiosity (within the wonderfully comforting familiar) is how you prevent desire from fading or things becoming dull.
People are living, growing, evolving beings. Let your marriage mirror that awareness - and you have what it takes to nurture a marriage of connection and desire. Be interesting, and more importantly, be interested.
In marriage you don't actually need to get all your needs met from one person. Do you have a best friend who knows the real dirt on you? Do you have a sibling you trust? A mentor to talk about your career goals? A work friend to vent about job stress? Diversify where you get all your emotional needs met. It's okay to let your spouse have the unique and cherished position of "husband," or "wife," without making them be all those other people rolled up in one.
Now go plan a date together. And don't talk about the kids.