Ever had a person in your life that no matter what you did to get their approval (or support, or attention), you just never could?
I've been there. Naively like Charlie Brown and the damn football I kept trying. This time Lucy will let me kick that ball!
Of course she yanked the football away. Of course I fell flat on my back. And I was furious and mad and ashamed that I had fallen for it again!
One day I was talking with a friend. A very, very patient friend.
"What is it you actually want from her?"
"I dunno. I keep thinking she's going to support who I am. I want to trust her."
To trust. That's all.
Then it hit me:
Right desire. Wrong location!
It wasn't shameful to want to trust. I was just banging my head against a wall repeatedly with someone who had shown me that I couldn't. But she wasn't my only source for getting those needs met: I have people I trust (starting with this patiently listening friend right here.)
Are you struggling in a stuck relationship with someone? Why not take a little quiet time and gently ask yourself the question: "Self, what is it you really want from X, dear?" Is it to feel listened to? Supported? Understood? Loved?
Now tell yourself that not everyone can do that for you. Or even wants to. But that's not a reflection on you. Or your worth. Or that what you want is wrong.
Now take a piece of paper out. Write down the names of some people who listen, support, understand, and love you right now. Even if it's just one name. Even if it's your fifth grade teacher. Picture that person now. How good it feels or felt to be with them. Really soak it into your heart for a minute.
The moral of the story is this: When you need to buy a hammer, don't go to a bakery! Go to the damn hardware store.